 Valentine’s day is looked at in a completely different way to men then women. A woman looks at Valentine’s day as a day of love and caring, or the way to a man’s heart. A man looks at it as a day to spoil your woman with flowers and dinner on the way to getting in her pants.
Have you ever walked through the mall looking for the perfect gift to buy your girl for Valentine’s Day? Undoubtedly you will slow down as you pass the Victoria’s Secret store while imaging what your Valentine would look like in that Bonjour Teddy being so graciously displayed on the mannequin in the front window.
Now maybe you don’t have the type of Valentine that would wear such an outfit for you, but no worries because a little further down the mall awaits the perfect gift for you too. Remember what we talked about earlier on, Valentine’s day is a day that our only goal is to get into her pants.
The perfect gift  for the shy Valentine is one that lets her still feel sexy, yet unexposed. This is an easy angle for you not so romantic fellas out there. After dinner suggest that she go relax with a glass of wine and a bubble bath while you clean the dishes. If you play your cards right she will come down from the bath wearing the robe, and only the robe.
While men will be spending the next few weeks planning the perfect the Valentine’s gift to get in their girls pants, the ladies will be busy trying to find the perfect gift to keep their man’s attention. What better Valentine gift could a woman give you then something that just Screams Love ? I mean heck that would get her a lot more than just my heart.
At the end of the day, Valentine’s day is nothing more than a Halmark holiday designed to get us to spend money on things like cards, flowers, and candies. I highly recommend that you buck the trend this year and spend your money on something that won’t wilt or make your girl fat. If you truly want to pave new ground, why not buy her something that you want.
 As we prepare for next weekends game between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants advertisers are working away finalizing this years Super Bowl ads 2012. In past years we have seen some great spots from companies like Go Daddy and Bud Light and can only hope for more of the same this year.
I get asked a lot if I am Sexist or just trying to be funny, and the truth of the matter is that I don’t really consider myself to be a sexist, nor do most people find me to be all that funny. Do I like to make fun of women? Sure I do, but I also like to make fun of old people, PITA members, coworkers, and myself. I have learned that life is to short to not have fun with it, relax people it is just a joke.
After ordering a Coors Light at dinner the other night my wife had a puzzled look on her face and asked me why I choose Coors Light? I motioned towards the TV and I said ” Look at those Coors Light girls on TV…6 more of these bad boys and I’m hoping that you start to look the same way”
Super Bowl commercials 2012 should be fun to watch, we are bound to see beautiful woman, with barely any clothes on promoting their brands throughout the big game. I wonder though how much this type of advertising actually works? I own a half-dozen domain names, none of which are hosted by Godaddy.com, I will buy chips for the game, but it won’t be Doritos, and I will be drinking beer that will undoubtedly not be Budweiser, so even though I look forward to seeing the bevy of beauties that these advertisers will flaunt on our screens during the Superbowl, I will not be steered into buying their products, but still appreciate the soft porn entertainment.
Some people look at these Sexy Super Bowl Ads as being sexist, and disrespectful to women. I on the other hand find them to be truthful and funny and are half of the reasons to even watch the Superbowl. I can walk into any club in America and watch some half-dressed bimbo trying to “sell herself” flaunting what god (or a plastic surgeon) gave her. Yet as soon as this same thing is put on TV to try to sell a product the same woman from the club claim it to be disrespectful.
As we wait for the big game, and hope that it is filled with Sexy Super Bowl commercials 2012 we should also remember to plan our Superbowl menus early. A few years ago I made the mistake of not deciding what to serve until the last-minute, it was a real pain in the ass. Last year I decided to order a few recipe books off of Amazon that made preparing the snacks as easy as can be. I found some books to be better than others, but would highly recommend trying Perfect Party Food: All the Recipes and Tips You’ll Ever Need for Stress-Free Entertaining from the Diva of Do-Ahead
What is it that you will be serving for Suberbowl Sunday?
Who do you think will win? Pats.? or Giants?
What better way to get your sweetheart in the mood to fa-shizzle your nizzle then to give her one of those perfect sexy Valentines day cards? This was the thought that was going through my head as I was browsing Amazon this morning looking for a Valentines day gift for my wife. I was looking for something funny yet a little bit provocative, but what I found was over the top! As I was browsing through the cards, this beauty popped up Fucking up My Life Valentine’s Day Greeting Card and as you probably guessed I quickly added it to my cart.
As funny as I find that card to be, I am guessing that when I give it to my wife she will only see the humor of it if it is followed up with something really nice and expensive as well. The problem with this way of thinking is that this is not how I tic, and the sexy valentines day cards only the beginning of what I had in mind.
I learned many years ago that the best gift that you can give is one that you will benefit from. A good example of this would be how I gave my wife a spa day for Christmas a few years ago. Not only did I provide her with an entire day of pampering and relaxation, I provided myself with a nag free Sunday during the NFL playoffs. When she got home from the spa feeling all refreshed and beautiful I benefitted again from a night of “mingling”.
As I continued my pursuit through Amazon to find “myself the perfect gift”….. for my wife, I came across some interesting things that I highly recommend some of you younger guys buy for yourself and give to your girl for valentines day. One of my favorite finds was the Sportsheets Super Sex Sling …. Whoever the hell invented this contraption was a Genius! Cheap, effective and lets be honest, awesome.
As I was sitting there having so much fun looking for the perfect Valentines day gift I started to wonder why I was going through all the trouble trying to buy myself something to give to my wife, when I could just cut right to the chase and buy myself a new wife? I mean check this love machine out SexFlesh Take Me Tanya Life Size Doll and I don’t even have to pay for a spa day, I can just put her in the dishwasher.
I had a fun time looking through all of the sexy valentines day cards this morning. I ordered a few things and bookmarked a few more. If my wife is unable to see the humor in the gifts that I ordered “for myself” to give to her , I guess I will get some use out of the gift she gave me last year Fleshlight Original Male Masturbator, Pink Lady
Finally someone has mastered foreplay in a box! I was not sure if my wife (who is a little on the prude side) would be willing to play this type of board game. I ordered this game as a Valentines day game for my wife online one day on a whim. I kept it hidden away in the basement for months. One night while we were sitting around having a few cocktails my wife asked me if I wanted to play a game, naturally I obliged and returned from the basement with XXXopoly.
My wife and I have kinda of a dull sex life and I was hoping for this game to spice it up a little. What I didn’t expect was for this game to totally flip our sex life upside down. Even when not really in the mood, this game has a way of getting the juices flowing. The first night that we played this game we didn’t even get through half of the cards.
I have secretly wished for years to be able to do some of the things that this game brought into our relationship. I never would have thought it possible for a board game to be so arousing. Don’t think of this game as a “dirty” game, think of it as a renewing of your marriage after twenty years.
My suggestion to any of the fellas… or ladies out there is to seriously consider ordering this Valentines day games for your wife in time for a Valentine’s Day, neither you nor you significant other will be disappointed!!
Does the woman in your life know the difference between a Blu-Ray and a Sun Ray? How about a Gigabyte and a Mexapixel? What about the difference between 720p and 1080p? If there is one thing that I know it is that Girls and gadgets are a match made in humor.
I often walk in the living room and find my wife watching something on television that isn’t in high definition. I will say to her “you know that this show is on in high def. right?” I will then get an answer that usually goes something like “oh, I cant really tell the difference.” How is it that you can’t tell the difference? To me the difference would be like trying to see under water with or without googles, or driving at night with or without headlights.
Girls and gadgets are like guys and cosmetics they just don’t make sense. I get a chuckle watching my wife just trying to switch the TV from cable over to a dvd. Why is it that the ladies struggle so much with technology? Is it for a lack of effort, or is it that they just are not smart enough to grasp it?
A true match made in humor is watching a woman trying to play a video game. You would think that there were 25 buttons on the controller watching them struggle trying to hold it in their tiny little hands. They will just mash the buttons with no apparent understanding of what is going on. As funny as it is watching them try to play, maybe they should just stick to Farmville.
In a recent trip to the local store my wife and I stopped to look at the new washers and dryers. I would like to personally thank the manufacture of these appliances for adding so many new features to their product. I am guessing that lead designer must have been a bachelor, because there is no way that any married man would design such a stupid product. They took one of the simplest to use gadgets in the house, the washer and dryer and made them impossible for a woman to understand. Now I have to do the laundry, because she doesn’t know how to start the dryer. I sure hope that I don’t see an LED screen on a vacuum cleaner any time in the near future.
If there is one gadget that the girls have had no problems becoming accustomed to it is clearly is the cell phone. Do they ever put these little gadgets down? If there is any truth to the stories of cell phones being cancer causers, the iPhone is well on it’s way to thinning the herd. It amazes me how much time they spend on their phones without really knowing anything about them. They don’t know how to Jailbreak or Root and most don’t even know how to add music or backup pictures.
Every year we become more advanced as a society with new technology being developed daily. This is both good and bad for the men of the world. It is good because we all love technology and are ready for the gadgets of tomorrow to come to the marketplace. The downside is that the more advanced that everyday household items become, the less likely our wives will understand how to operate them.
I do have to wonder if the women are actually smarter then us and are pretending to not understand. Maybe they are just trying to get us to do more around the house. Maybe as I write this blog making fun of them, the joke is really on me? Whether they understand how to set the clock on the stove or not, I still think that girls and gadgets are a match made in humor.
Making the perfect woman takes many years, but the results can be very rewarding. Half of all marriages end in divorce because of a lack of communication between spouses. When molding the perfect woman to spend the rest of your life with you need to keep a couple of key points in mind.
Men don’t try to live perfect lives, yet most men spend their lives trying to make their woman perfect. Over time they learn that making the perfect woman is a daunting task. As I have grown older I have started to understand that men and women don’t have a real lot in common.
Making the perfect woman who Yings when you Yang can be a frustrating, yet rewarding. There will without a doubt be many hurdles along the way, but stay the course as the perfect woman will be worth it. Most woman will learn some things after ten or so years of marriage. They will start to realize that it is easier to just pick up your underwear from the bathroom floor rather than fight about it for two hours. They will probably also learn how to do other small tasks such as start the lawnmower and pick up the dog poop.
After fifteen years of marriage all of these small victories start to add up and making the perfect woman starts to become a reality. Unfortunately this is also the time in most marriages when woman start going through the change of life, which will undoubtedly reverse years of your hard work.
These are the hardest years to get through in a marriage, but stick it out as someday your work towards making the perfect woman will be worth it. Most women reach their peak in life around fifty and start finally start to become man’s best friend. After a life of making dinners, doing laundry, cleaning the house and raising children most woman are just happy to have a few hours of time to themselves.
As a man this is the point that you start to realize that making the perfect woman takes 25-30 years, but is worth the effort. You now have a wife that doesn’t care that you go golfing, or sit around all day watching football. She could care less about you stopping at the bar on the way home from work, or going to the casino for the weekend. All that she cares about is a little time to read a book or watch some TV.
As you reach your twilight years you will find yourself spending less and less time with anyone other than your wife. You will start to do everything together as you did when you first met. You will have a rekindled love and appreciation for each other and will cherish the years that you have left together. It is funny how we spend our whole lives making the perfect woman, when she was already there all along.
I am no longer going to be worried about making the perfect woman. I am going to concentrate on making the perfect life with my woman. She may not be perfect, but then again who is.
P.S. I still plan on leaving my dirty underwear on the bathroom floor.
Have you ever been the passenger in a vehicle driven by a woman? Every time that I am a female drivers passenger I can feel my blood pressure rise. I don’t understand what is going through their head as they are cruising down the road. Are they thinking about what might happen on tonight’s episode of the Bad Girl’s club? Are they trying to remember if the PTA meeting is this Tuesday or next? Maybe they are thinking about what to make for dinner tonight…Doubtful.
As I sit there fearing for my life as we whisk by intersection after intersection of yellow traffic lights I start to wonder if maybe women are color blind? No probably not color blind, but maybe misinformed. Misinformed that a yellow traffic light doesn’t mean Floor it! Ladies yellow means caution, and as with everything else that you do in life while exhibiting caution you need to slow down. Even if this means you might not make it through the seven corner intersection you are speeding towards. It’s ok though, because I’m pretty sure that the mall will still be there when the light turns green.
Why is it that when driving with a woman I feel like I am on a ride at the local circus? Where was it that these ladies learned to drive? They can’t all be from Indianapolis, can they? I love the fact that when the light goes green they feel the need to FLOOR it. It is like they are drag racing and as soon as it goes green they are off. This whole sight is even funnier when they are driving a 98 Caravan.
As we are traveling down the road at 60 or so MPH with the pedal still pegged, it never fails that the next light will turn red. Why I often wonder why they don’t remove their foot from the accelerator at this point. Apparently women don’t believe in letting off of the gas until its time to STOMP on the brake! It is an understatement to say that women wait until the last possible nano second to brake. Every traffic light while riding as passenger in a woman’s car is an adventure with either them running the red light, stomping the brake at the last-minute, where then you get to watch them floor it again to 60 MPH as soon as it turns green.
If we survive the adventure long enough to reach our destination the real fun begins. Have you ever seen a woman park? This could quiet possibly be the funniest thing since Caddyshack, well unless one of them is parking next to you…
Women will drive around the mall parking lot four times trying to find the closest spot to the door that they can. When they finally do find a spot they will dart into it as fast as their little jalopy can go. The problem with this approach is that they usually end up at some weird angle nowhere near the middle of the spot. This is where it gets good, watching them enter panic mode. They will back up, reposition the wheel and pull back into the spot misjudging the spot and being worse off then the first attempt. They will try this four time on the average before either hitting something, someone or just going and parking where they should have to begin with, and extra two minute walk to the store.
I wish the auto industry would just do us all a favor and design vehicle with women drivers in mind. Any vehicle that would be considered a vehicle a woman might buy should have the following options factory installed.
* Air Brakes
* Governor
* Foam bumpers
* Auto Parking
A better idea might be to just have any car that a woman buys come with a chauffeur, I think the best way to deal with woman drivers is to just not let them drive. I think its safe to say that a world, free of woman drivers would be safer for us all.
Don’t forget to comment on your adventures of dealing with women drivers.
Over the years I have learned that there are things that women secretly wish they could do like a man. I am not saying that these are things that women are not physically capable of. What I am saying is that these are things that they don’t do, because of fear of what their friends might think or say.
So My advice to all the ladies out there is to Man up, stop sitting when you pee. Here is my list of 10 things that women secretly wish that they could do.
10. Stop at a strip club for lunch
9. Walk around the beach with hairy legs
8. Fart out loud
7 .Shave their heads
6. Cut the grass topless
5. Chew Tobacco
4. Blow snot rockets
3. Go out without wearing 3lbs. of makeup
2. Leave the mall empty handed
1. Hock a loogie
Ladies, what is it that you secretly wish you could do like a man?
Fellas, is there anything that you secretly wish you could do like a women?
Leave your creative answers in the comment section below.
Have you ever tried to sit down and watch a football game with your wife around? I have tried for years, but have had little success. Every Sunday I sit in my recliner and try to watch football, but end up with my wife standing in front of the TV nagging me to take the garbage out, or walk the dog. There are also the times that I have her sitting on the couch wanting to talk about Jersey Shore or Desperate Housewives. I don’t really Care if Snooki broke up with her boyfriend, I wouldn’t care if she broke her leg for that matter. Now if she wants to dress-up like a cheerleader and jump up and down with some pom-poms for a while I might be interested.
I understand that women don’t care about watching football, but what I don’t understand is why they don’t understand that men do care about watching it. The minute that the game starts to get good their antennas go up, and is usually when they strike. They will meander into the living room with one of a few things in mind. Instead of bringing you a beer and some Doritos, they will more than likely enter the room ready to bitch, or worse yet… talk.
Gaga for Gridiron – The Ultimate Guide to Football for Women
I am not saying that I enjoy getting bitched at, but I have to admit sometimes its the easier option. If my wife walks in the room all fired up and ready to let me have it, all I have to do is pause the DVR and let her blow off a few moments of steam. Now the key to this approach is to not allow the situation to be escalated in any way. The way that I ensure this interruption stays short is by just agreeing with everything that she says. I try to keep all of my answers to the simple yet effective, ”Yes Dear”, or “I’m sorry Dear”, I love pulling out the “I’m sorry, I won’t do that again Dear”. The idea here is not to worry about who is right or wrong, all I want to do is get her to shut-up. I have to be careful to not say anything that might prolong this interruption. When all goes well with this approach I can be caught back up to live TV after just a few commercial breaks, crisis averted.
Continue reading NFL stands for Not For Ladies
After a few day hiatus while attempting to make the switch from Blogger to a self hosted WordPress blog, I finally decided to take a break and spend some time giving you an update. My first impressions of WordPress were not good, I was really regretting my decision to start a Blog on this platform. This Blog is fairly new yet was doing a decent job with views. I chose to move this blog over my main one because of fear of experiencing a disaster. After three days I can finally say that a disaster has been avoided, and I actually think that this is going to turn into the best Blogging decision that I could have made. I probably decided to make the switch before truly understanding what such a move would entail, and would warn anyone contemplating doing such a thing to go to YouTube and watch as many videos as you can before proceeding.
The biggest surprise to me was the huge inventory of themes and widgets to choose from. With Blogger I was able to have a decent looking, working Blog in just a few hours. It was very basic and beginner like, while WordPress isn’t quite as simplistic. After about a day and a half I am starting to get my head wrapped around the Dashboard and overall idea behind using this platform.
Continue reading Blogger to WordPress, Pardon our Dust
|
|
Follow Us!